There’s no single approach or perfect response that will “fix” an unregulated child. Regulation is an authentic and sometimes messy process that allows a child to see that their feelings are noticed, cared for, and safe to express as long as it is directed in a healthy manner.
The goal is to give them tools that are engaging, practical, and easy to use even when they’re alone and experiencing unchecked and overwhelming emotions.
I worked for a year and a half at a children’s party place. During the summer, the company ran 6–8 hour day camps, five days a week, for kids ages 4–10. It offered structured fun: movies, crafts, snacks, and lunch—all between time in the inflatables and bounce houses.
This meant we had a wide range of children, with different maturity levels and needs, all in our care for long stretches of time. I didn’t work every day or every week, but I worked enough to start recognizing the kids who returned often and, over time, became somewhat predictable.
One girl, in particular, stayed in my mind long after my last summer there. We’ll call her Lucy. Lucy was the queen of tantrums. She rejected the word “no” entirely, would not share, and seemed to have zero obedience.
At first, I shared my coworkers’ frustration. After long days filled with many energetic and wild children, it was easy to default to time-outs, taking away toys, or calling parents after multiple warnings.
- “Behind Every Behavior is a Feeling. And Beneath Each Feeling is a Need” — Ashleigh Warner
In short—behind every behavior is a need. When a child is disruptive or disobedient, it’s important to start by checking their basic needs. Are they tired? Hungry? Thirsty?
Ultimately, much like infants, young children often only know that they feel upset; they don’t yet have the skills to identify why. That’s where you, as the adult or authority figure, step in to help them understand and work through those feelings.
I realized that nothing we had tried with Lucy so far actually helped her. Each visit was just as challenging as the last.
Still, I knew better than to give up or give in to her outbursts—or to rely on simple disciplinary actions that only escalated frustration and taught nothing.
More often than not, fulfilling the basic needs will calm the child immediately. But sometimes, the child will have already had all those needs met and still react out-of-control.
One day, Lucy had been placed in time-out once again in the lobby for hitting or throwing something at one of my coworkers—a final straw following other irritating and disrespectful actions she’d committed in the past two hours. We planned for her to stay there until her dad would come to pick her up. But still she talked non-stop and moved around with no regard for her consequence in spite of however many warnings and reminders we gave her.
I went through all the basic-need questions in my head and realized none of them were the answer at that moment.
- “Don’t Be a Thermometer. Be a Thermostat” — Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Don’t respond to a child’s anger with more anger, and don’t answer whining or yelling with pity or surrender.
Instead, approach their outbursts with calm, control, and patience. Model deep breathing for them to mirror. Reassure them that it’s okay to feel angry, sad, or frustrated. These are healthy emotions that help the body regain balance and work through challenges.
Children aren’t born knowing how to process or express their emotions appropriately. Redirect a burst of anger, like a strike toward a sibling or playmate, into something safe and energetic, like a high five with you. Encourage them to give it harder and harder until they calm down or expend their energy.
If their body is clenched up and accelerating toward something unsafe, do an exercise WITH them.
I grabbed Lucy by the hand and took her to an empty room away from other kids and the eyes of my coworkers where I could get on her level and encourage her to be vulnerable.
Not everyone has an extra room on hand but you need to take them out of the current space where they are acting out (if you are not their parent or guardian, ensure that it is still within the proximity of a safe adult so you are not completely alone with the child).
Sometimes a change of environment is all they need. Heavy fluorescent lights or loud noise could be agitating them.
Doing this with Lucy automatically initiated a “time-in” instead of a “time-out”. Kids respond much better to connection rather than isolation.
My favorite go-to exercise to begin a regulation session with is a Shakedown Countdown.
A Shakeout Countdown is a short movement exercise where you shake or wiggle your arms, legs, and body while counting down in numbers. You start by counting down from five, moving your whole body as you count each number. Then you repeat the process counting down from four, then three, then two, and finally one.
As the numbers get smaller, the movement usually gets quicker and lighter. By the end, your body has released extra energy and your attention is pulled back into the present moment.
The countdown gives the brain structure, while the movement helps release built-up energy, making it easier to settle afterward.
You should already be demonstrating slow, healthy breaths, and now it’s time to guide the child to follow along. This is especially useful if they’ve been crying or are still upset.
One method is Finger Tracing. Have them slowly trace your fingers. As their finger moves up, they inhale; as it moves down, they exhale. Pause briefly at each valley to help them focus and reset.
Another option is the Candle Exercise. Hold up one finger and have them blow on it like a birthday candle. Gradually bend your finger inward so the candle “fades” slowly. You can even make it trickier by using a pretend candle that requires extra effort to blow out.
A third is A Cup of Jo. Have them cup their hands like they are holding a mug with steaming hot coffee or cocoa. Then encourage them to blow on it to cool it down.
- “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” — Stephen Covey
More often than not, it’s the mindset of the parent or caregiver that limits a child’s behavior, not the child’s unwillingness to listen. Many adults enter a meltdown viewing it as them versus the child, rather than them with the child, working together to figure out what’s missing.
Never underestimate your child. Kids are incredibly perceptive and can sense this mindset immediately. How you subconsciously approach a situation often determines how they respond.
One of the simplest and most effective tools is checking their recent history. Ask questions like, “How was your day today?” or “What did you do earlier?”
Most children love talking about themselves, just like we do. They may wander into stories that seem unrelated, but those tangents matter. If a child brings something up, it’s because it meant something to them.
When I asked Lucy these questions, I learned a few important things.
- Her ears had been hurting recently, causing ongoing discomfort that made her more irritable.
- She hadn’t been able to finish an episode of her favorite show before coming in that morning.
- And one of my young coworkers, clearly fed up, had mimicked her whining to show how annoying it was.
The first two gave me context. I had also witnessed the third. While it was very immature, considering Lucy’s behavior and our minimum-wage job, I gave my coworker some grace.
To us, it was brief and meant to be funny. But to Lucy, it likely felt like we had told her that her feelings didn’t matter.
- “Children need models rather than critics” — Joseph Joubert
Now you have a child who is physically regulated, and you understand why they were acting out. That’s an important step but it isn’t the finish line. They still need help taking responsibility, repairing the harm, and realizing why their behavior wasn’t okay.
If you tell a child “go say sorry” and then get frustrated when they repeat the same action later or don’t deliver the sincere apology you expected, it might be because the child doesn’t understand what they are apologizing for. Many children, especially those coming from a hard place or background, do not intuitively know what a sincere apology or repair conversation sounds like. They need a clear, concrete model.
Rather than asking a child to invent an apology from scratch, you can take everything you have already established with them about what happened, what they were feeling, and which choice crossed a boundary, and condense it into a simple, understandable script.
Here is what I helped Lucy say to the coworker she hit:
“Hey ___, I’m sorry for hurting you. I felt upset when you were mocking me, and that is why I hit you. But I know hitting was not okay. Can you forgive me?”
This type of script does several important things. It names the harm. It acknowledges the child’s feelings without excusing the behavior. It clearly states responsibility.
Finally, if a child feels that an adult’s or peer’s actions contributed to their reaction, there needs to be mutual repair. This may mean the other person also apologizes, or an adult explains a boundary or consequence the child did not understand. This models fairness, accountability, and relational safety, which are exactly what we want children to internalize over time.
I ran through this dialogue a couple times with Lucy until she understood each bone and what it meant for future interactions.
Even a four-year-old like Lucy was able to come to the comprehension that aggressive actions only agitate both parties. Instead, words are much more meaningful, powerful, and effective in communicating feelings and reasonings.
- “Choices give kids a sense of control, help them practice decision-making, and reduce power struggles” — Pamela Palanza
Many parents and caregivers struggle to give children choices when they are being disobedient or disruptive.
The common response to misbehavior is to issue a demand, expect immediate compliance, and apply consequences when the child refuses. While boundaries are important, this approach often overlooks something fundamental: every person, including a child, has a need for autonomy.
Problems happen when we ask children if they want to do something that isn’t really a choice. If a child says “no” to a yes-or-no question but we make them do it anyway, they learn that their answer doesn’t matter. On the other hand, simply telling a child what to do can lead to pushback because they feel like they have no control over the situation.
A more effective approach is to offer two or three acceptable choices within a clear boundary. The expectation remains non-negotiable, but the child gets to decide how they will meet it.
For example, instead of asking, “Can you help me with the dishes?” or demanding, “Help me do the dishes now,” try:
“We need to get the dishes done. Would you rather put away the cups or the plates?”
The task is still required, but the child has meaningful control over their role.
The same principle works during transitions.
Lucy was having fun in her own room and regulation corner but we needed to get back to the front.
“We need to apologize. Would you rather walk on your tiptoes or have me carry you?”
Despite what you may think, offering these choices strengthens boundaries. Instead of fighting over whether the child will comply, you redirect how they will comply, preserving both the adult’s authority and the child’s sense of autonomy.
While it may sound time-consuming, these strategies can often be used in just five to ten minutes. In some scenarios, only one or two are needed to help a child regain control and move forward successfully. The goal is not to handle every situation perfectly, but to help children build the skills they need to manage their emotions and make positive choices.
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